Jily: A How-To
by Lil' Quill
Summary: One evening in the library, Lily stumbles upon a rather odd book...and not just and book. A guide. And somehow, it seems to involve her.
1. Chapter 1

Lily Evans strolled down to the library, her fiery red hair swishing behind her. This amazing room full of books was one of the many privileges of being a Hogwarts student. Lily breathed in the scent of pages as she scanned the titles on the innumerable shelves, her emerald green eyes sparkling in delight.

She paused as her fingers brushed against a strange book and frowned. The book was oddly thin, and fancy gold lettering spelled out Jily: A How-To on the binding. This title definitely did not belong in the Potions section. So Lily, being the curious girl that she was, pulled out Jily: A How-To from the mahogany shelf and settled down to read.

**Jily: A How-To**

_**By An Anonymous Little Quil**_

**Step One: Start off your Jily! Make sure that EVERYTHING is in Lily's point of view. Because we all know that LILY has to fall for James and James is already in love with her and would go to such lengths as touching Snape's greasy, icky hair for her. So, Lily should wake up one summer morning. And, like, she'll receive a letter. And she'll get her boring letter, blah blah blah, and stuff. And then, all of a sudden, she's HEAD GIRL! YAY! That is CRUCIAL. Because, like, EVERYONE knows that James is gonna get Hat Bipolar Disorder.**

Wait, what? was this a Marauder prank? Lily, however, was too bored out of her mind this Saturday evening to actually care. If she had to, she'd just give the boys detention.

**Step 2: Include a Petunia moment. Petunia should yell, and Lily will start crying, and stuff. And make sure this happens RIGHT BEFORE they board the train. And then, Lily goes aboard the Hogwarts Express and stuff.**

Contrary to popular belief, Lily wasn't _always_ crying about her sister. This author was absolutely off her rocker.

**Step 3: Include Lily's friends. Make one of them really pretty and slutty, and another one really shy, and maybe a really happy, bubbly type. And make Lily, a boring, studious girl, like Hermione.**

This made Lily quite mad. She was _not _a boring nerd girl. And she honestly doubted that this Hermione girl, whoever she was, was all that bad.

**Step 4: Introduce James. He's Head Boy, so Lily meets him there. Make sure you mention how hawt he is. Like, his hawt dark hazel hair and his hawt brown eyes and the fact that he's so hawt and fit that he even has a hawt six-pack on his hawt face. And make sure that you mention Lily's gorgeous blond hair and gorgeous blue eyes, even though she had boring red hair and boring green eyes before. Hey, life is the variety of spice, or something like that! And then make Lilly and James fight.**

_Wow, _Lily thought. This author needed to get her facts straight. Plus, her name was spelled wrong in that step!

**Step 5: LILLY'S B.F.!11!11!111ELEVEN!1 ****Ok, so Lily's got a boyfriend. Popular first names include a0wrgha){*EH 5r0[y[sfghruZOP0a, Matt, souaoninshupwONJEB, and 'sithjip'zrgjn'ipsi'idszf. Popular last names include sidfbzh;oiW{RHGOURHBFO, Thomas, SO;EGHOE;HBGUPAW5OHSZBVJU;, AND EA;OTTH4HIOFDGNLJNJNBJN.**

_Wait, what? My boyfriend's name is Matt Thomas!_ Lily thought.

**Step 6: Make Lily notice how hawt James is, despite how much she hates him.**

_WHAT? JAMES ISN"T HOT! _Lily thought wildly. _Suurrree, _another part of her mind said. _SHUT UP, BRAIN!_

**Step 7: Abandon your fic for, like, 3750923465765470963208476093184765092476 days and then come back again. Be all like, _i'm so dinosaurrry, guise! well, now I'm back ,so I'll start updating again!_**

**Step 8: Make Lily's boyfriends suddenly become a cheating jerk. Have an overdramatic breakup scene and have James comfort Lily.**

_Matt would never cheat on me, _Lily thought. _He's so sweet!_

**Step 9: Have James kiss Lily. Of course, Lily wouldn't mind because he's so hawt and stuff.**

_Ew. Gag me._

**Step 10: Have James ask Lily out and make sure she agrees because she's SO IN LOVE WITH HOM ALL OF A SUDDEN.**

_No, no, no! I DO NOT WANT TO GO OUT WITH JAMES, _Lily mentally ranted What a stupid book!

**So, that's how you write a Jily story! Have fun!**

**Toodles!**

Lily shut the book, shaking her head at the author's mental-ness. Even though, technically, the first five steps had already happened in her life...

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**A/N: So, likey? No likey? Please review! This fic will most likely be about five more (short) chapters. Reviews = FASTER UPDATES!**

**Ink on!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: THIS IS CHAPTER 2! YAYYYY! I'm so dinosaurry, guyz!**

**Including puns from the previous chapter that you guys probably don't even remember. Yay.**

**This has lots of random typos. I dunno why. I was probably just REALLY tired.**

**Anyways, without any further delay...CHAPTER 2!**

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**Jily: A How-To Chapter 2**

Lily let out an enormous yawn as she made her way to the towering shelves to put the book back. Then she stopped.

The book hadn't been in the right place. As a matter of fact, it probably didn't even belong in the Hogwarts library! She checked the front of the book to see if it had ever been checked out.

There was no card.

_It's probably a joke, _Lily thought. _I mean, it makes no sense, the author seems delusional, it's trying to pair me up with _Potter, _of all people –_

_It's trying to pair me up with Potter._

And then the stereotypical redhead temper exploded inside of her. For no very good reason, of course, just as what normally happened when Lily thought of James Potter.

_Oh, so Potter thinks that some stupid book is going to get him a date, huh? _That _is no way to ask _anyone _out! Probably did it for a laugh. He was probabyly just sitting there to make fun of me, that nasty, arrogant, disgusting, annoying, hot–_

_Hot?_

_Well, _Lily thought, _he is really cute, to be honest. The whole messy black hair, twinkling hazel eyes behind glasses that somehow worked, an adorably crooked grin, not to mention the towering height and the frankly amazing body..._

_But he's still a prick, with his –_

And then, while Lily went on with her mental rant, she did something that she had never, ever done.

Okay, so maybe she had done it a couple times in her first year.

But it had never actually ever happened after that.

Lily tripped on the hem of her robes.

Which resulted in her falling.

And, due to her amazing luck and the need of the author to throw in a little spice...

She crashed into...

A door.

It was a door to a broom cupboard that happened to be slightly open. The door flew open, revealing a couple passionately snogging. As a slightly repulsed Head Girl, Lily had the need to tell them off and maybe even deduct some house points.

But by then the couple had turned around to stare, and Lily fell back in surprise.

There was a relatively handsome face and a head of short brown hair that was normally extremely neat and a pair of deep blue eyes that now shone with the remains of delight. A boy.

A boy that Lily happened to know extremely well.

Matt Thomas.

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**A/N: Cliffhanger, YAY!**

**Really bad cliffhanger that you all probably expected.**

**I kinda sorta just wrote this right now...heh. That's why it's a complete mess.**

**Review! I really appreciate constructive criticism.**

**Ink on!**

**-Lil' Quill**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey guys! Sorry for the SUPER LATE update. It's unforgivable. I have no excuse.**

**Still, I hope the fact that this is the longest chapter will somewhat make up for that?**

**SORRYSORRYSORRY!**

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Lily couldn't process all the emotions running through her. After the initial shock wore off, her mind turned into an amalgamation of anger (her boyfriend was cheating on her, duh!), horror (nobody wants to see a passionate make out session after a potentially embarrassing moment), and...was that relief (her boyfriend was a cheating arse, and now that she knew that, he had lost his appeal)?

Yes, it was.

And now she got to teach the cheating arse a lesson.

Oh, fun!

And so, mustering up all of her strength, she slapped him. A satisfyingly resounding crack rang out through the hall. She closed her eyes for a second to relish in the echo.

When she opened them, she found the girl who had been passionately snogging him before yelling at him, a mad spark setting off some dry brush in her eyes.

And then she slapped him, too.

She turned to face Lily. "I'll leave him to you, yeah?" she said with a slightly sadistic little smirk. And then she flipped her long, sleek tresses and flounced off, hips swaying, heels clacking, leaving the two behind.

That girl was cool, and there was no doubt about it. And Lily appreciated that.

Matt's nose was broken, and he was clutching it, blood streaming down his face. Two angry red marks throbbed on his previously attractive visage. His hand partially obscured the other girl's tribute, but from what Lily could see, they made a fantastic female slapping duo.

"We're over," Lily bestowed on him a superior smile and then walked off proudly. She was a queen, and nothing could knock her off her throne. She refused to laugh, too; it would ruin this beautifully conducted dramatic exit.

She wasn't even upset about the breakup. After all, she had only been with Matt for rough two weeks. And so she applauded herself dealing with this hardship that fate had thrown her way in such a regal manner. No cliché tears, no cliché James Potter comforting her, just Lily Evans being her amazing self.

She continued on in this queenly manner until she reached the staircase. As she loftily put her right foot on the first step, she heard a voice. A very familiar voice.

So familiar that she immediately bristled in annoyance. Oh, how she hated that voice and the awful pickup lines that spewed out of it.

The author makes increasingly more obvious the owner of this voice.

It was, yes, the infamous James Potter.

James Potter, the arrogant, annoying, conceited twit, to himself the object of Lily's love and to Lily the object of her loathing.

Now, at the moment, James was not in a particularly good mood. Sirius, in dog form, had just eaten his Potions essay. It had been eighteen inches long, and James had worked on it relentlessly for two hours.

This particular essay also happened to be due tomorrow.

When James caught sight of Lily, however, a smile brightened his (particularly handsome) face and his hands instantly flew to his already messy hair. "Hey, Evans!" he called out as he leaped towards her two steps at a time.

Lily had no desire to deal with a love struck James Potter only minutes after breaking up with her boyfriend. And so she ignored him and proceeded up the stairs airily.

"What're you so pleased about?" he asked in that classically infuriating James Potter way.

"Why do you care?" Lily huffed.

"Well, considering my undying love for you, I care what color your socks are."

And then he proceeded to go on a rant about aforementioned undying love. And about socks. Which was a particular awkward combination.

Lily was getting more annoyed by the second. But she kept going. She completely ignored him. Again.

When he ended up kneeling on the floor in front of her, the queenly façade snapped. "I broke up with my boyfriend!" she huffed.

But she huffed loudly. Very loudly. It was almost a scream. It was her queenly commanding voice, Lily decided.

Why was she making such an effort to act like royalty? Well, she was very, very proud of herself and thought that that deserved some reward. But the author digresses.

"Really?" James responded. "That's so, erm, sad. I'm so sorry, Lily Flower."

But he looked far from sorry. He was trying to hold back a smile.

And as for "Lily ", well, an Anonymous Little Quill would inform you that this is one of the most popular nicknames for Lily. And by popular, she means cliché.

Lily continued marching up the stairs. From behind her, she heard a whoop of joy.

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**So, that's it! I hope you can see the direction I'm going with this fic. I don't want to just give it out because that's not my style, but see if you can find a pattern!**

**Ink On!**

**\- Lil' Quill**


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